OK guess what? That thing I wanted to do all along, kind of went off course. I wanted to make it clear that I didn't want anything more than to be on speaking terms with that one, but then in the end it ended up sounding like I didn't want to see her ever ever again >__< I said I dont want to have anything to do with you, except what I should've said was, well exactly I have no idea how to put that into wording! I said something like don't even think of going beyond speaking terms with me, but that's weird. and you know what? she makes me sound like such an asshole. Like I want her to tag around me 24/7 that's what she said. Geez, I didn't know I was that dumb gosh. The fact is, I shouldn't have told her all this stuff about me that wasn't even neccesary even though I had to talk to someone geez. It just wrecked the whole thing. Also, if I have to be around someone like that, then I rather not. I mean, having friends, is not bad. Hanging around with various groups is not bad. But leaving a friend alone to go off and talk to people who you supposedly said you don't like is WRONG. But that goes on sometimes, not all the time. Anyway, she's always on about I don't like those guys, they're so this and that, and rants about people but still goes off and acts like their friend or something geez. I mean, I don't even have to talk about this. By telling her that already, I feel like a lot of weight has been lifted. But not that much. She's probably going to keep screaming at me what problem I have with her or something geez. I mean, like what she does, is like saying those guys are more important than your actual friends or whatever gosh. She may think she has so many friends and that they like her but that's so stupid. She doesn't need to get all arrogant. Plus, she's so ignorant I swear. If I actually told her a piece on my mind she'd probably I don't know, the obvious one, get mad? and obviously defend herself and tell me how I'm wrong. Plus, the people that'll make such a big deal of it gosh.

Haven't blogged in a long time.
I don't like typing out these long entries anyway, but sometimes I get carried, that's why.
I feel like I have to let the world know exactly what's going on in my head.
I don't really feel that need anymore...

These past few days or, weeks I guess, I've noticed how "depression" can get to people. I know, I know, it's a "medical condition" where you can't eat or sleep or whatever so if you haven't got those symptoms you're just having a blue day.
I guess so, but I don't know why I'm getting so sad over nothing then.

So many things run through my mind. I've even been dubbed an "over complicated thinker" by my sister. Well, life's been tough these past weeks, and for someone like me who has to "think" 5 times more than others, it's obviously going to get to me.

It's really weird, sometimes I can be a really laid back person and sometimes I can be a over thinker. Actually, this goes on at the same time I say. I think about stuff and I get really worried and stuff you know, and then it's like, what's wrong with me? i'm worrying about absolutely NOTHING!! geez, "chill out" you know, and then I forget about the stuff I'm thinking about. But it just keeps creeping up on me anyway, and one of my most important mottos are "Face it, don't run away from it." you know, but facing my problems will just make it worse, making me worry EVEN more, about stuff I didn't necessarily have to you know!

Gosh... that's why whenever something small happens like, even though I rather kill myself than to admit this, like when my sister criticises me in a really harsh way, I start to think, gosh, I'm such an idiot, can't even stand up to the idiot... and really get worked up about nothing and start thinking I'm such a failure bla bla bla and maybe even cry about it.
and the thing I hate about myself MOST is that I cry really easily, even though it kills me, even though i really really really don't want to, tears just start rolling off you know, and for someone as proud and egotistical as me, wow, you dont know how much it kills me to cry.

To me, crying is like for the weak or something, like you're giving into it if you cry you know?
Geez, how did the subject roll off so quickly?!

I came here to rant about an asshole that's been pissing me off these past... YEARS but it's just not worth it you know? because she's an asshole, she is dead to me as a friend, i'm never going to "do" stuff with her, and she's not worthy of my blog hahaha, which just makes me think, what about those other people that I mentioned in my blog?
Ah well, whatever.

Problems gone for another day for Cristina.
Even though it is evening anyway.

I guess I can worry about these problems some other day hmm?
By the way, I just started reading Hana-Kimi, wow, I like it! hahaha, even though it faces some hmm... issues. I got like the whole series in my computer but then it's like I wanted to buy it so badly at kinokuniya in the city so I did, now I have to keep buying it, which means I'll have to delete it off of my hardrive. Which I already have in fact. I wasn't sure though because I can't buy one like every single day, they only have up to volume 2 there anyway >_< and the rest I'll have to freakin' order. Which means I'll have to wait... whereas if it was in the comp I could read it straight away, but if I read it here, I'd have no interest in buying the thing and reading it... AGAIN.
But then, I'd be helping the author... right?? Hmm... somehow I feel like I doubt this if I buy it online though... >__>
Well whatever, I bought it, and I will continue buying it.

Hi all...

Guess what? The biggest bitch in the world is in fact:
MY SISTER

stupid fucking wanker. Geez. Don't tell me "Ooooh, but she's your sister" I don't give a fuck.
So what if she's my sister? Does that make her less human or something? Just because we have the same fuckin genes it doesn't mean you can do on doing whatever you like. Fuck.

I'm such an idiot sometimes. She always threatens me that bitch. My hands are gonna go up! I'm gonna count to 3! I'm gona kill you! if she said that it wouldn't even make a fuckin difference I think.

The thing is, I give into it. What am I so afraid of? The consequences? For once in my life if I do beat her back, what's the worst that can happen? She'll never talk to me again? Oh yes, please, that'll be a blessing. Then what? she'll keep trying to wack me or something? No good, I could just fight her back.
But I just DON'T KNOW why I can't do anything back. She threatens me and I'm just there, and I just storm off or something or do what she says. Fuck that pisses me off. Am I so afraid that my Aunty will point a finger or something? Geez... I don't give a fuck. But I still don't know why I haven't beaten her up yet.

SHE'S SUCH A FUCKIN BITCH!!!
Geez! that fucking asshole! she was making something and she dropped some of it and she told me to pick it up. But that fucking shithead just picked it up and put it back in the food, fucking loser. So I told her "what the hell are you doing?! that's dirty!" and she was like "SHUT~ UP!" and said some other shit I don't know, I forgot. Fucking shit ass. So like I dunno, I was standing there, then I was imitating her in a stupid way "shut~up~" and she was like what did you say? and I said "what" and she was like WHAt did you say?! and I said (I'm such a fucktard) "I was copying you" the reason I said that was because my Aunty was right there and I didn't want trouble in front of her or nothin'. Geezus!

That nearly happens all the fucking time. And the fucking shithead was talking about my Aunty on my Dad's side, his brother's wife, and she started talking about how she may not be a virgin, she may had a kid before the marriage, or some shit cause i told her last time she had some surgery crap where her stomach was. Fucking loser, can't keep anything to her fucking self. and last time my aunty was being a freaking psycho and she just acts like it never happened, acting all fucking friendly with her.

and you know WHAT?! that fucktard keeps telling me you're such an asshole in that fucking way she always does, not an asshole but in korean, i dunno, conceited? self centered? and she tells EVERYONE that, I bet. and she can't be fucking bothered to do ANYTHING herself.
The cups are like 1 metre behing me and maybe 2 metres away from her, but she tells me to get it. Like, she tells me to get her EVERYTHING. and she tells me to find stuff that has nothing to do with me, like she has to go out and she doesn't know where her bag is so she makes me find it or some fuck like that. It's her bag, she can fucking find it, I mean, maybe if she asked FUCKING NICELY I would do it, but NO if I say, why don't you do it? she's like JUST FIND IT! in that hag like tone she was. Fucking loser I swear.

I swear one of these days... I will RIP her guts out. Or at least her hair or punch her in the stomach. Geez, and she's such a fucktard, she always thinks SHE'S right. and it doesn't work with me because I'M like that. but even though she's wrong she's like that, fucking wanker. all she does is just total bullshit in my eyes or something. Whenever I say something she's like "Nup." right after I finished. Pisses the SHITS out of me.

Hmm... maybe I should follow the advice I give to everyone else, TELL that fucking ASSHOLE.
Even though she's a bad tempered lousy moron who thinks she has the right to be mad at people because she admits that she's bad tempered or some fuck like that.

And if anyone reading this was put off by it or something or think I'm totally different to what you thought. SNAP TO REALITY no one's fucking perfect and swearing doesn't make you a fucking outcast. Everyone swears when they're angry.

To be honest I feel like ripping my heart out.

I feel clogged up inside. I want to scream my lungs out. I want to take my anger out.
Even as I'm typing this, it doesn't adequately show how angry that I am at this moment. Typing in caps won't help either.

Do you realise, I have to live with this fact for at least 50 years to come? DO YOU?
and if someone tells me we have to move I might scream. This is where we all lived together.
I can't bear to stay here and I can't bear not to.

I'm scared everyone'll find out at school while I'm crying.
I'm scared to just start crying in class. Because I know I'm capable of that. Happened in english at least. I didn't want anyone to know I was crying.

The teacher probably saw me. Did nothing about it. Even when I had to get her permission to leave early, she didn't give a shit. Nobody did really. Only my friend.

and the thing that kills me is that people will pretend to be sorry, pretend to be sad, when the next minute they'll return to their lives. Forget it ever happened, when they don't even know how I feel. How could they possibly know? They wouldn't. So I don't want them to pretend to be sorry, or to be sad when they don't even understand. It gets me angry. Which is why I don't want anyone to know, and at the same time I want my friends to know. Well maybe not. They're the type that will forget about it as soon as I finish. Except 1 or 2 of my friends.
But even they have to forget about it some day.

The thing that keeps revolving around my head is
he's gone. I don't remember how he looked like when he went. I didn't go to the aiport. I don't remember what he was wearing. I don't remember how he smelt. I don't even have a decent picture of him you know that? that kills me the most. The last picture ever was probably from more than 5 years ago.

DOES ANYBODY UNDERSTAND?! I'LL NEVER SEE HIS FACE AGAIN. I'LL NEVER HUG HIM AGAIN. Oh fuck. Here I start crying again... I really didn't want to. You see... that's what happens when I keep forcing myself to remember.

You know these braces of mine? I wanted to take them off and show how nice my teeth came out. He never even saw me wearing my senior uniform...
to someone as sentimental as me, who values every single little thing it beats me up in the inside. If i wasn't so sensitive or sentimental I probably wouldn't get worked up about how he looked like or the last time i saw him...

It's just so hard for you to understand. I see people who have their parents and their parents still alive. He was supposed to see my children you know? I was supposed to buy him really good expensive cars and buy him this huge house, and I would never even let him lift a finger. He left... without experiencing the best of life. Maybe that's not true. Having material objects isn't everything. He had us.

You don't know how torn up I am.
I want to forget, but then I don't; I can't.
If I forget, I'll become guilty that I tried to forget about it so quickly.

If I don't I'll never stop crying.

I don't want to be seen smiling and laughing so loudly and then telling people he's gone. Maybe it'll seen unnatural. Just hours before I was happy because I was convinced he went to a better place. Convinced. Then I start to question this "better place" but for some reason my mind doesn't want to believe there is any other place for my Dad. Only a better place.
It just doesn't feel like he left without any regrets. If he wanted to leave peacefully he could've at least been on his deathbed and I would've been there the whole time.
But no...

and you know what gets me?? I feel like all the past crap that happened was like preparation for the real tragedy.
My finger getting stuck, and how I didn't see it as such a big deal but the way my sisters were worried, it was really heart wrenching. Then my fucking Aunty. I don't want to discuss it here but they were all really bad. Terrible.
and I feel like as if someone's playing yo-yo with my emotions.

On Friday I was so happy, after the excursion, having gotten my One Piece DVD's and watching it and eating a whole bunch of chocolates making me go high.
But then on Saturday that huge explosion with that old hag went on and I was pretty sad.
I got over it quickly but my opinion of her changed so dramatically that I will never like her.
Then on Sunday everything was OK. The same as usual. Not happy, more on the sad side, but bearable.
I went to sleep. At around 2:30 or something on Monday morning I heard my sister crying her eyes out, like I've never seen her, I knew I had to wake up early to go to school so I just wanted her to quiet down. I wondered if she broke it off with her boyfriend or something.

But I heard my Uncle on the speakerphone. He was crying, weeping. I was still in bed. But it hit me. So bad. Like intuition. I've never felt such a feeling of certainty in my life before without even finding out. I got out of bed. Went downstairs. I heard him crying alright...
and I asked the question. I dared to ask. Did something happen to Dad? Nobody would answer me. I could still hear my sister crying upstairs. Tears just went down my face. But it wasn't confirmed yet so I didn't want to get to conclusions. I don't really remember what happened then. She hung up. Went upstairs. I think I went and sat down on the couch. My other sister came down crying. Calling my name. I asked again. She just kept crying. Then I demanded she answer the question. She said it. She said it. It rang. In me. My world came crashing down. I wasn't prepared. I started crying like I've never really cried before. My soul poured out of me. I just kept thinking and thinking and thinking while I was crying. Thinking of the future, asking questions, anything. But just thinking what would happen.

I thought I had to pray. But then I hated God. For taking my Dad away from me. Why he had to shove all these bad things under me. I'm only 16 for goodness sake.
I'm glad I'm not into Johnny's like I was before. If I was still crazy about them, I would probably hate their guts. When I was sad, I always thought of those guys, and tried to take comfort in those guys. But they're all the way in fucking Japan. They don't speak English. They don't know I exist. and most importantly they probably wouldn't even know how I was feeling.

So I'm glad I'm not into them as much as I was. No use.

*sigh I think I got alot of it out of my chest. This T&T song sora no screen rainbow whatever song is really helping too :)
and I think I have the will to continue :)

So ladies and gents, I bid you goodnight, for it's 8:27 and I still haven't really started my english!

Um, sorry for not updating in a long time...

Let's see, what have I missed?

My left hand getting caught in a sausage machine... though only my index finger was injured the most,
my fucking psycho aunty who's come to stay going crazy...

and oh...
that's right...

My Dad died.

He was in Korea.
And that's all I want to say.

I don't want anyone at school to know.
But with me crying so suddenly out of nowhere it's hard isn't it?

I think I'm going to go now... and do my english assignment that's due tomorrow...
p.s my sister just left for the airport around 15 minutes ago, for Korea.

I don't want anyone to know because I don't want them sympathising and talking about my Dad when they don't even know anything.